ESCAPE..

29th December,09

People sometimes change,if you're lucky it's for the better,but sometimes it doesn't happen that way. And all you can do is pray the next change is a better one.
I look at my little sister and i see how she's resembles me,at that age. She's one of thoes Twilight fan, a proper one that read the book before the movie came out. Life for her isn't excally easy at the moment, and neither is mine. I want my family to be living comfortably,to be with friends from home, and just be happy. But reality hasn't been too nice. We have our enjoyable moments but thoes are too little and far in between. And so she reads to escape for all this saddness and stress. I use to do the same thing, i gave in into Harry Potter,to simply escape from reality. Some people turn to work to escape,like my mother. My father spends his time studying computers through the internet,fixing,improving them. There's no wonder back home in Brunei we had enough hardware to set up a tiny cyber cafe. My brother,he just smokes, and takes a drive around town;stop at a beach somewhere.

My biggest escape was to study here in the UK. Or so i thought when i initally came. I did escape from my former life for a while, but in the midst of it all i entered into some other unpleasent reality. From that experience i came to know you can never truely escape the life you've been given by God. You can take a walk,but at some point you have to turn around and face what's there. Enjoy and cherish the happy moments even if they're few and far in between, cause honestly that's all you're given to look forward to.
I'm not sure what i'm trying to find, but then i'll search on forever, and maybe one day i'll find it.

What im afraid of

9.01pm (or at least i think it is,the whole daylight savings is messing with my body clock)

As in most of my post i never fail to state how its been long since my last post.(bcus i knw it has been)
And at this moment i'm posting thru my phone. (Insert applause here) its quite an applausable thing, considering how i've been considering to stop blogging. My reason; simple, i feel like i'm opening up too much, exposing myself too much, and the fear of being judged(i shamefully admit)
I realize what i blog abt somehow seems to run around the same topic, so at this rate am i really opening up too much? Since i only do talk abt the same stuff over and over. I knw im contradicting myself at this point.needless to say,the fact i'm only exposed at a surface. What i post here are all truth but it's just not very deep. It just never steps out of what i precive to people a shallow mind. And here is my fear of being judged shallow. Thats why i've been putting off my post. I just don't want to be precived as shallow. I dont constantly think abt my exs or stress abt work. There is more, or at least i like to believe there is. *Headache
I'm not even sure what im doing right now, or if anyone would understand any of this.
*when i stare at my shadows at night, i wonder who am i really, a faceless shadow?*
I use to think im just a person easily influenced, do i even make my own choices? But i learnt to take into account of variable changes before making a deicison. I didn't figure that out on my own, i had to learn it.(i was abt to say i figured that out but only bcaus i was scared of being judged as an idiot). Truth to be said not even this piece of my post is truly exposing myself. So there isn't any fear at all..=)
Ok,that was not random.

Got you in my head

UPDATES since coming back to UK:

• Started school, back in the UK on 4th september,2009
• Boarding house, back in Trew, sharing house with L6 but I got a single room. So effing freezing in my room.
• Food from kitchen keeps getting eaten by bloody L6.
• Stress from UCAS. Personal statment cause prolong stress.
• Went to Brunei Hall 3 times on weekends for the past month in september.
• Met up with Hazahin!!!!
• Had an enjoyable time at the park with Hazahin
• Showed Hazahin Chinatown, but he lost his University form along the way, when we took the bus. Feel very bad about it. =(
• Can cook in Senior house kitchen. Mostly soups and noodles, and once Afifah and I cooked Phak choi/ or sawi with oyster sauce. (Y)
• Afifah has an inflammed ligament of her wrist. Very sad, hope it gets better soon.
• Hari Raya night(saturday night) spent in London, on raya morning went to mum's place in Guildford from sunday to monday. School gave monday off. YAY.
• Spent Hari raya day( sunday) with mama, eating biscute and having tandoori chicken.
• On monday went around the mama's new neighboorhood area.
• This week ( 28thspet-2ndoct) has been the worst school week. Haven't been able to focus, completely getting behind in school work load. Not good, very unhappy.
• However, this week, on Thursday started community work in Lakside school for the disabled. LOVED IT. Spent 2 hours, with Extended Ed class, basically people my age group. It was sad to see the condition they were in, but was happy spending time with them. Can't wait for next week, hopefully that session will be good too.
• Finally got personal statment finished. YES VERY VERY HAPPY about this.
• Been having headaches for the past 4 days, can't do too much work. XC
• Today sunday, spent mostly sleeping, hoping to sleep the headache off. Didnt work. XC.
• Today sunday, I miss Wafi. Slept with his hoodie. *sigh* I wonder how is he in St.Andrews?

Will update soon again.

Everything is in bullet form, because aku malas. *Cheers. =)

Story of my life *meh what else is new

As I was browsing through my Itunes music I stumble across this one song that I haven't heard for a while. Its one of Fergie's song, Big Girls Don't Cry. Im sure most people recognize this song, it was quite popular when it first debut. What's my point exactly? Well It's just I realized something, I'm not sure why I haven't thought of it before though. I just somehow remembered, like a flash back. Why does it always have to involve that Bitch Boy of an ex of mine. Urgh...

*flash Back...
The tube, London. We were heading back to the hall from Jack Wills clothing store. (and No I was not the one shopping) At that time we were already broken up but we still saw each other and did stuff like this, i.e going out, talking (to my dismay if I may add), but we weren't okay per say. We were defiantly not 'OKAY'. There was this couple of girls sitting opposite to us. And they were staring at him. Sheesh even if we weren't together, I rather not have him eyed like a piece of meat. Logically they would have thought I'm his girlfriend (even though I wasn't) . I mean I nowhere as pretty as these girls, I was plain and I really didnt bother dressing up that day, shit I didnt even wear make up. Look at him smiling at these girls, owh is that suppose to piss me of well congratulations well done bitch. So being who I am, I tried to get his attention, I poked his face, creating the illusion that I was being playful. I tried to hold his hand but his hand was motionless, no response to my touch. At the end all he did was give me his left ear piece. (he was listening to his Iphone at the time, how rude is he? Very I have to say, I was freaking there and all you'd rather do is ignore me AGAIN) I just took it and placed it in my ear, might as well check out what kind of shit this douche was listening to. Instantly he changed the song, from some R&B song to that song, that Fergie's song. At the time I didn't really think much of it. After a while through the song, he let me hold his hand, but he still wouldn't hold mine. I kept staring at his hand not really listening to the song playing. I turned his hand over and over, tracing his fingertips. He had nice finger nails but rough hands. i slid my fingers into the creasing of his hand, and held it. But still his finger remain the way it was, open. He wouldn't look at me. why?

Only until today I've realized something about the song as I listen through it again, sitting in my room. Was he trying to tell me something. Or am I just being stupid again? Subliminal messages or coincidental?

Enough of this shit.

I have to start thinking about going back to the UK. I have to start getting my personal statement in an order that makes sense. Medical school,medical school,medical school, St Andrews Bute Medical School. *sigh. I really hope I can get in. Owh and by the way, i forgot to mention I received my As level results a few days ago. Not to make a big commotion, as if anyone cares about this lil piece of news. I got 3 A's and a B. A B for my physics, I feel disappointed in myself. I really love Physics, well that's an overstatement =.=, in other terms I just enjoy it. Shit I shouldn't be putting myself down. A B is still great fuckers. and owh I should stop cussing. My holiday homework is still halfway down. Mental note: got to get those done before 30th August. In other news I haven't start packing, though something inside me is urging me to just start putting somethings in that wide open suitcase.

I am beautiful, not ugly,not ugly, he dumped me because he was too stupid to see that he had someone who loved him. Your loss Bitch. He might have ruined my first experience studying in UK, but I swear I will not let him ruin my 2nd. My plan will to forget, forget you ever existed. Sure enough you've forgotten about me. I don't want to talk about him anymore, it hurts too much. What I need now is some marijuana. Cheers Y'all.(except for you Bitch you get a hex).

Summer Hols

Summer Holidays.

During this period, a lot of relaxing is involved. From visiting friends, to going to movies and reconnecting with old mates. Also a bit of summer work is involved, this year I manged to get one in a hospital. Work shadowing doesn't really has much work to it, but still tiring. Despite what people may thing being someones shadow is an exhausting job. You don't just end up following that person around but you see and hear what happens in her world. In my case a Pediatric Doctor. Shall not go anymore deeper than that.

Some incidents during summer are unexpected. For example I ended up cutting my hair shorter than it already was. Believe me I look like a dude. Oh well I still like how ever it is. Another thing is meeting up with old mates from my primary school even more unexpecting is having a certain old mate have feelings for you. Even more surprising is he use to annoy the heck out of me, in a laughable sense though. So no bad feelings intended. Another not planned event was a Sharing session for the Form 5, I had to talk about scholarship and UK. For the first time, I could hear my voice breaking due to anxious and nervousness. Aigoh, I hope I didn't look stupid. Public speaking has never been my domain, I was never skillful like my other fellow friends.

There were somethings that were planned. For example, I wanted to relinquish the memories of a certain someone named Wafi. He's a bitch. He broke my heart so all I want now is to move on. I don't intend to have any rebounds with any other boy during this period. It's hard to be all alone XC. But facing my fears is what I intend to do. I want to be free so i can face the truth. The truth that I was stupid, that he never had feelings for me, that what we had was not love.Sure enough I have moved on, I didn't miss him or had any feelings of wanting to be with him. In summary my plan is to forgive that I was stupid and forget he ever existed. Sounds good to me.

Owh yeah I almost forgot that certain old mate goes with the initials BI. <3 smiles and laughter are meant to be real. Darls, thanks for showing me that.

Everything in pieces

8th August,2009

Have you ever felt that life has been going so fast. How many things you've done are barely remembered? Well taken the fact when you're a kid, you hardly can remember much due to development of our brains at that time. But how about things you've done in the couple of years.

Certainly I can remember some of the stuff I did back then with the help of memorable objects and smells. I don't own a great deal of pictures of my younger pre-teen years but I do own a considerable amount of things. For example I still keep some of my old empty perfume bottles, the scent still sticks to the insides and when I just inhale the remains I can recall how I felt that year. It's a nice feeling, remembering, reminiscing. The downside of 'sniffing' is you tend to remember everything that had an impact, whether its was something that made me happy, or something that wasn't such a great enjoyment. As cliche as this sounds I also own a memory box, and its filled with random stuff from birthday cards to pictures,letters,ticket stubs, pieces of my old jewelery,little trinkets,worn out pens, buttons and many more rather odd items. Yep, that's how my mind works its gears.

My dad was a huge fan of recording videos, when I was younger. I still enjoy watching whatever's left of the old tapes we've got. Some how still pictures are just not enough for me to be able to tap into the emotion for that moment in time. When sound is added to the pictures it becomes a whole new feeling for me. That's when my mind really starts gearing up. Its sort of I need more than just visual to flick the switch.Things now are just going back so fast, its overwhelming to try to remember ever bit of what's happening, when events just keep on, continuing to happen. I feel reassured when I mange to capture a memory in an object or item,or scent or in 'moving pictures'.

I heard or read once that whatever has happen in our life it will be stored in our minds. Remembering is like opening a door to one of our memories and to those things we can't remember it's not that we've lost that piece of memory, it's there just out of reach or rather locked.=/

I don't deserve a broken heart

I'm a little conflicted. I thought I had my feelings worked out, I thought I knew myself, but right now it's clear to me that i don't.

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
I know the art that I supposedly created
A faded reflection of what you made
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore

I'm so far from you, these feelings linger on even when you're gone. Don't tell me a little sarcasm hurts more compared to what you did. But I won't take the credit, it's not mine anyway.